The Viva. Oh Holy Shit the Viva
It'll be fine they say, just like when your clinic superviser asks about your rationale for patient treatment. And there will be strangers in the room, marking you and grilling you. It will be videoed, your report writing assessed. You only get two gos. If you fail the first there is a second go and then BAM.
If it goes wrong twice then no registration with the HPC, no Newly Qualified Practitioner status. No nothing. Do not pass go. Four years of study depends on one hour of stranger grilling.
Needless to say there will be plenty of propranalol use that day. which is Wednesday. 7th May.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
It is at this point I reach for the "Book of Unsent Letters" for advice and recollections in regard to SaLT exam induced madness:
Friday 17th August 2012
Dear Me,
Please remember that the audiology resit on August 28th is not as insurmountable as you fearfully imagine. Please don't do that self sabotage thing, y'know, that thing you do where you just think "You can't do it Heather so why are you even trying, you're shit at everything, you only got here through chance and pity". Or rather you listen to that voice. Try and listen to me instead, I'm your realistic, practical, wanting to be a decent adult side, ok?
Right, got it? Ok, Here's the deal, Audiology is tough yes, but you do stand a decent chance at passing this re-sit, it is possible. Just try to ignore the voice that talks in calories, weight loss and excercise. She can wait, pause her. Force her down a little even if it won't silence her. Just try to concentrate on study.
I know that you are scared that SaLT is beyond your reach, but you are nearly in your 4th and Final year. Don't give up, not now.
I know that the world is a very scary place right now for you. Everything is in the wrong place, everything feels wrong and dizzying and you can't make it feel right. I know you desire your routines because these circumstances are terrifying; brother N emmigrating to Australia, ex boyfriend A trying to get into a relationship with you despite the trauma and also him moving away, this re-sit, the economy and so many other things you fear and don't understand.
And Yes, it's mostly all out of your control. The world just doesn't seem to give you time to catch up with it, or even breathe, does it? And it is in these circumstances that you know the anorexia thrives, preys on your thoughts, feeding.
You CAN limit this. Make it through Audiology, let brother N move to Australia without fear for your health.
And like I always say to you at times like this, finish what you started, even if you mess up, you WILL see this through to the end. You made a promise and you ALWAYS keep a promise. Don't stop. You can't stop.
Complete the motion if you stumble
We're in this together
so hold on
with strength and love,
Your practical, realistic, logical inner voice.
P.S.
CHOP CHOP. GET TO WORK NOW YOU TOOL. NOW!!!!!!!!
You know the real work is happening when the highlighters are out.....
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