Kintsukuroi

It's been more than a while since I have written. I have had my 4th and final year exams.

In the four years I have stumbled my way through:

1 dissertation, 1 viva, 3 presentations, 11 placements, 14 exams, and 17 reports*

Honestly, becoming qualified is not an easy process. And I really think a job will be quite hard to find. Aaaand then there will be the hurdle of Occupational Health.

Once I had a job where I passed the interview and was offered a contract. in August.. but didn't get through Occupational Health until November.... I think it must be hard to take in my medical history and truly desire to recruit me. I know that there are disability discrimination acts, but honestly, in practise for someone with hidden problems, i.e epilepsy and a whole clusterfuck of mental disorders, it can get a bit nasty. People don't believe you. People whisper about you. I'm not so far gone crazy that I think everyone is maliciously gossiping. I just know that has happened to me because I've overheard discussions, been the end of the odd sharp comment or two. You learn to deal with this - you toughen up and cruel words break you less. I shall include some to illustrate:

Professor "You'll never manage;once an Anorexic always an anorexic"

Colleague to Colleague "Just make her fucking eat a mars bar"

Manager "What do you mean you can't come in, you had that seizure yesterday, it's not happening now is it?"

Colleague to colleague (NB: The colleague on the receiving end stuck up for me) " Yeah, but sometimes she's so lazy she just doesn't even do any work" ( go and fucking read up on spoon theory BITCH)

Those are just some of the friendlier things I've heard.

Maybe it won't always be this way. Believe it or not there is still hope.

But still, there is actually no point at all projecting the past on to the future or dwelling in the past.

Gosh, I have had so much happening I don't even know where to start, I guess the beginning would be a good place? Wow. I'm not sure I even know what happened first or what equals the beginning. So in light of that revelation I will just start with the first event I can elucidate :s

1) The Viva

This was a BIG DEAL. For the past four years of my BSc(h) ( I've been an allied healthcare student)

the viva has been the focus of all fear, the brick wall between student and newly qualified practitioner status. No Pass = No Practice. It may be only 20% of a clinical practice module but it is the gateway to employment. So that's slightly terrifying in itself.

The Challenge: You are given the tiniest snifter of a patient's case history and allowed to study that for five minutes. You then are shown 10 minutes of said patient and are then left for 40mins to Assess, Diagnose, Write up a treatment and management plan and a potential prognosis. Rationalise all decisions. It could be ANY SORT of patient. It's not possible to revise every single clinical situation there possibly could ever be. So you must do what you can and pray that fortune favours you.

Fortune didn't favour me!! (Remarkably I DID pass, by the finest of threads, but still a pass)
However, I did laugh out loud when, after a fairly challenging patient, who should be the one to examine me??? Well, that would be the staff member who dislikes me on a very personal level. Sometimes the stars align in your favour, and other times they just don't and aaaaalll you can do is just sit back and roll with the punches.

The world doesn't owe you anything, nobody promised you a fucking rose garden!

2) Seizures and Secrets
I am fairly certain that I am a secret magnet. I can't work out why. But I do not mind this, it seems to help those I care about.
However - some things should not be secrets. Especially not in my family. The secrets almost destroyed us all. Anyway, I have epilepsy and some kind of minor cardio issue and since the age of 12 I had been told I was the only family member this affected. However a few years back my uncle had seizures, then my mother started having the occasional seizure. And then my father rang me up the other day to ask for advice, but for me to not tell my mother about it or my brothers...

    (*I have an extension on the dissertation until August)

The Devils and the Gods; The Living and the Dead.

Quite simply, there's been another loss in the support community. This happens too often. I didn't know Gretchen closely but she was always happy to offer comfort and advice and had a fabulous smile and all around aura of loveliness. I believe she was about to undertake a new course of therapy shortly - too late. I hope Gretchen finds comfort now. Rest with Alice, Jay, Loredana, Katie... (at this point I feel horrific I may have forgotten about someone here.) It terrifies me the way in which the horrors in their heads 'won' - It terrifies me even more when I think about this with great sympathy for Alice who could not fight any more.

I was on the bus home from University, March 2011, and I knew that she'd been missing in the Brecon Beacons, but to see her face looking out of "The Metro" alongside a short paragraph summarising her life, illness and escape from desperation, was disarming.

And I don't know what else to say because all of these words don't change anything.

Please look after each other out there.

Goodnight Gretchen

Resources and Support for those Affected by Eating Disorders - Beat

Samaritans (for anyone in distress or crisis) - Samaritans

Chronic eating disorders are persistent, but they can be ameliorated with the proper support. Reach out. Don't give up hope. Ever.

Take me with you

A Case of pre-viva fever and the "Book of Unsent Letters"

The Viva. Oh Holy Shit the Viva

It'll be fine they say, just like when your clinic superviser asks about your rationale for patient treatment. And there will be strangers in the room, marking you and grilling you. It will be videoed, your report writing assessed. You only get two gos. If you fail the first there is a second go and then BAM.

If it goes wrong twice then no registration with the HPC, no Newly Qualified Practitioner status. No nothing. Do not pass go. Four years of study depends on one hour of stranger grilling.

Needless to say there will be plenty of propranalol use that day. which is Wednesday. 7th May.

                                              FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

It is at this point  I reach for the "Book of Unsent Letters" for advice and recollections in regard to SaLT exam induced madness:

Friday 17th August 2012

Dear Me,

                  Please remember that the audiology resit on August 28th is not as insurmountable as you fearfully imagine. Please don't do that self sabotage thing, y'know, that thing you do where you just think "You can't do it Heather so why are you even trying, you're shit at everything, you only got here through chance and pity". Or rather you listen to that voice. Try and listen to me instead, I'm your realistic, practical, wanting to be a decent adult side, ok? 

Right, got it? Ok, Here's the deal, Audiology is tough yes, but you do stand a decent chance at passing this re-sit, it is possible. Just try to ignore the voice that talks in calories, weight loss and excercise. She can wait, pause her. Force her down a little even if it won't silence her. Just try to concentrate on study.

I know that you are scared that SaLT is beyond your reach, but you are nearly in your 4th and Final year. Don't give up, not now.

I know that the world is a very scary place right now for you. Everything is in the wrong place, everything feels wrong and dizzying and you can't make it feel right. I know you desire your routines because these circumstances are terrifying; brother N emmigrating to Australia, ex boyfriend A trying to get into a relationship with you despite the trauma and also him moving away, this re-sit, the economy and so many other things you fear and don't understand.

And Yes, it's mostly all out of your control. The world just doesn't seem to give you time to catch up with it, or even breathe, does it? And it is in these circumstances that you know the anorexia thrives, preys on your thoughts, feeding.

You CAN limit this. Make it through Audiology, let brother N move to Australia without fear for your health.

And like I always say to you at times like this, finish what you started, even if you mess up, you WILL see this through to the end. You made a promise and you ALWAYS keep a promise. Don't stop. You can't stop.

                                  Complete the motion if you stumble 

We're in this together

so hold on

with strength and love,

Your practical, realistic, logical inner voice.

P.S.

CHOP CHOP. GET TO WORK NOW YOU TOOL. NOW!!!!!!!!

You know the real work is happening when the highlighters are out.....