Make that "holding a sugar free red bull" and "writing a report"...

From The Books, August 2004 :The little beginnings

 August 11th 2004 : 6st 2ilb

                                               It's time to battle. 

                                                  I am ready.

                         I can find recovery and treatment here. 

                                                             I'm so scared to lose my beautiful demon. 

But I signed the patient contract, gave up my belongings and surrendered. I turned against the anorexia and it's evil lure. The voice that I used to feel was pure and good.

But now I choose to let

                               it

                               go

    As it is inside of me I know now that I cannot trust myself and so I choose to trust my key worker, my friends and  boyfriend N.

                             I go to St Georges Complex Eating Disorders Unit on Monday.

They tell me I am a curious creature, Anorexia Nervosa: Multi-Impulsive Subtype, Severe and Enduring Depression, O.C.D and of course Generalised Epilepsy. They are also querying ADHD and the possibility that I may be on the Autistic scale. 

                                               I Just don't care at this point.

I feel as though I am preparing for a long race, a marathon; Nervous (what will happen, what will the other people be like?), Scared (They will stop me from doing the only thing I know how), prepared (I'm ready to fight, I expect this to hurt), excited (It will hurt, but by the end of the treatment programme I will be free, such a hopeful time ).

And like my long races, I know i have endurance and mental will and it will be these that drive me to that finish line.

My goal, I am told, is to reach 8st in 3 months and then reach 9st. Then my meal plan will be adjusted to 'maintenance' rather than 'gain'  I pledge to stay between 9st and 9st 5ilb if it means they take the evil Anorexia from me. I can do this.

                                                      I can.

I won't listen to Anorexia. She tells me that I should push. I have one week left. 6st 6ilb. She tells me 5st 9ilbs. That's not good. NOT GOOD.

                                 She tells me it will take me to a place of happiness.Anorexia wants thinner and thinner and 5st would bring joy and accomplishment and peace. How could I believe her, don't believe her PLEASE Heather, please believe the truth.

                               She has made me a living death hating being alive every minute every hour,day,month.... and now years.

                                    YEARS.

                                                I'm only 20.

 I will beat her out of me for the havoc she has caused, a maelstrom from which i do not have the strength to escape. 

                                             But the clinic will throw me a life buoy

They will take arms and help me fight this cursed illness, they will fight out this voice in my head. I never want to be in this destructive,tortuous,suicidal place in my mind ever again or so help me I will end it forever. 

      I expect the odd bad day.I swear I will never ever wander down this path and relapse,

                                                                     

                                                                    NOT EVER

 

Everything in its right place

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?

See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all right where it belongs

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?

And if you look at your reflection
Is that all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself, find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head?
Just creations of your own
Your devils and your gods, all the living and the dead
And you're really all alone

You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?

And if you look at your reflection
Is that all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself, find yourself afraid to see?

All we ever were, were zeros and ones.

We will be together
              And we won't be anything at all.
Shame on us.
Doomed from the start.