It's time to battle.
I am ready.
I can find recovery and treatment here.
I'm so scared to lose my beautiful demon.
But I signed the patient contract, gave up my belongings and surrendered. I turned against the anorexia and it's evil lure. The voice that I used to feel was pure and good.
But now I choose to let
it
go
As it is inside of me I know now that I cannot trust myself and so I choose to trust my key worker, my friends and boyfriend N.
I go to St Georges Complex Eating Disorders Unit on Monday.
They tell me I am a curious creature, Anorexia Nervosa: Multi-Impulsive Subtype, Severe and Enduring Depression, O.C.D and of course Generalised Epilepsy. They are also querying ADHD and the possibility that I may be on the Autistic scale.
I Just don't care at this point.
I feel as though I am preparing for a long race, a marathon; Nervous (what will happen, what will the other people be like?), Scared (They will stop me from doing the only thing I know how), prepared (I'm ready to fight, I expect this to hurt), excited (It will hurt, but by the end of the treatment programme I will be free, such a hopeful time ).
And like my long races, I know i have endurance and mental will and it will be these that drive me to that finish line.
My goal, I am told, is to reach 8st in 3 months and then reach 9st. Then my meal plan will be adjusted to 'maintenance' rather than 'gain' I pledge to stay between 9st and 9st 5ilb if it means they take the evil Anorexia from me. I can do this.
I can.
I won't listen to Anorexia. She tells me that I should push. I have one week left. 6st 6ilb. She tells me 5st 9ilbs. That's not good. NOT GOOD.
She tells me it will take me to a place of happiness.Anorexia wants thinner and thinner and 5st would bring joy and accomplishment and peace. How could I believe her, don't believe her PLEASE Heather, please believe the truth.
She has made me a living death hating being alive every minute every hour,day,month.... and now years.
YEARS.
I'm only 20.
I will beat her out of me for the havoc she has caused, a maelstrom from which i do not have the strength to escape.
But the clinic will throw me a life buoy
They will take arms and help me fight this cursed illness, they will fight out this voice in my head. I never want to be in this destructive,tortuous,suicidal place in my mind ever again or so help me I will end it forever.
I expect the odd bad day.I swear I will never ever wander down this path and relapse,
NOT EVER
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