I just want to think about today with a 'normal' thought process. I want to think about bubba W's first birthday, and how hectic is was yet touching that so many people wanted to wish him well.
But leaving the house today I knew I'd binged yesterday. I knew I was 7ilb up and hopeless. I knew the ridiculous belly of this uncontrolled glutton would protrude and that my horrid boobs are swollen like my face. And once you are this big you can't be taken seriously, so may as well be free entertainment.
There were some moments: I read to bubba W and the baby bear whilst the grown ups all talked, I managed to grab bubba mumma and give her some love and presents before sitting down.
I sat on the floor by the babies and I could feel the excess of my body flow outward. The button came undone on my dress and folds of flesh dared show themselves .
I felt so ashamed I nearly released tears add I held in the stomach and the fears.
Then bubba W started chewing pens. No bub, can't chew pens on my watch! And then bubba started poking me in the nose. It's difficult to ruminate when there is a small child's razor sharp fingernail up your nostril. Painful,yet at the same time, he was cooing and smiling and being himself and a combo of the two stopped tears from actually falling.
Additionally, as he was sat on my lap, he completely obscured my belly and his loveliness held everyone's attention deflecting it from being stared at for being a nervy bundle of a person.
My body is getting so big. I can't. I won't. Gym habits lapsed, I need my endorphins, I need my muscles to be quick and strong. My body to be lithe and graceful and able to hide in the tiniest of spaces.
I shouldn't have told shed I would gain weight. They just want me gone. Why not just keep it peaceful mentally by getting a bit of this horrible body stuff off me.
It's all just temporary
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